Many spiritual abuse victims are left with a devastating feeling of void in their souls when they leave a spiritually abusive group/leader. This void (or identity crisis) is most likely the result of allowing our identity to be stolen away when we were involved in the group, and then being forced to manage our own identity again when the group/leader is no longer in our lives. This can feel like an impossible task after allowing the group/leader to influence our identity at such a deep level for so long. However, it is possible to rebuild your identity and feel whole again. I liken it to recovering from a debilitating brain surgery that left the victim having to relearn the skills of everyday living. It can be done, but it takes time and effort and does not happen overnight.
Our spiritually abusive leaders brainwashed us into seeing them as our gods. When we let the pastor down, it was equal to letting God down. When we turned our back on the pastor/group, it was equal to abandoning God in our minds. In our desire to please the group/leader, we learned to become people pleasers, which caused us to abandon our own identity. We replaced who we were on a very deep spiritual level with the identity of the group/leader. We emptied ourselves out and took on the group mentality. After we escape this process, we find ourselves feeling empty and fractured. This is not because God is gone, but rather, because we abandoned our self identity.
I went through a long phase of wondering who I was going to be after I left my abusive group/leader. Was I now the guy from before the cult, during the cult, or a blend of the two? What I found was that I was neither. I was on a voyage to discover who I really was, and away from what my former group/leader wanted me to be.
Many people feel traumatized after leaving a spiritually abusive group/leader. You may not want to read the Bible for a while. You may not want to go to church for a while – if ever. After having had to perform your way into the group’s favor for so long, we can feel exhausted and lose all motivation to please anyone but ourselves. Many spiritual abuse victims find themselves struggling to make decisions, and may even have a hard time disciplining themselves to do basic everyday functions such as getting out of bed and brushing their teeth. For so long, we allowed the group/leader to think for us, formulate our opinions for us, and make decisions for us. No wonder so many of us struggle for many years learning how to find ourselves again after leaving a spiritually abusive situation.
It’s perfectly okay to want to be accepted just for who you are now. As you transition from the group/leader identity back to your own identity, you may find yourself “acting out” and doing things that would have displeased your former spiritual authority. This is all healthy, and is a completely normal part of the exit process. It can almost feel like going through childhood again as we learn to think for ourselves and make our own decisions again. We may find ourselves rebelling against the politically correct aspects of religion, and even questioning everything we ever learned while in the spiritually abusive group. Even though this may feel like a very confusing, difficult process – rest assured it is a very healthy and normal part of recovery.
Are you a people pleaser? Have you abandoned your own identity to please others? Well, you are not alone! The good news is that you can take back what was stolen from you. You can begin to think for yourself, make your own decisions, and form your own opinions again. At times you may feel helpless to do these things, but that’s only because you haven’t been doing them for a long time. The brain parts that drive these functions have become atrophied, and simply need to be stretched and toned again through repetitious usage.
You can begin today taking your identity back away from those who took it from you. They cannot be you, nor do they have any right to tell you who you should be. There is only one you, and you are on a voyage to find who that is. At times this journey will be frustrating and painful, but at other times it will be liberating, exciting, and joyful. It's a work in progress!
Notice: The articles on this website are derived from the opinions of the webmaster of this website, and nothing more.
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