Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Christian Men Who Hate Women

Healing Hurting Relationships
Margaret J. Rinck
Zondervan Publishing House, 1990

Rinck acknowledges that some men misuse Christianity to dominate or abuse their wives and/ or other women around them. Frequently these men exhibit their misogyny only in private or only to a few women. These men appear to many as the epitome of propriety to those outside this "intimate" circle. Rinck tells us how to recognize these men, suggests how to deal with these men, and tells us that we women are fully human and that no one, man or woman, has God's blessing to treat us as any less than fully human.

1) "Any challenge or objection by his wife is met with rage, temper tantrums, or stony silence. The Christian misogynist (yes, there are such people) often uses distortion of scriptural teaching to keep his partner "in her place." " page 16

2) "The reason is that once the woman changes a particular behavior to please him, another behavior becomes the target. The definition of what is pleasing constantly changes, so that she is kept off balance." page 17

3) "A woman should examine whether her marriage relationship has most of these characteristics:

1. The man assumes he has the "God-given" right to control how she lives and behaves. Her needs or thoughts are not even considered.
2. He uses God, the Bible, and church doctrine to support his "right to tell her what to do," and demands that she "submit" unquestioningly to his desires, whims, decisions, or plans. There is no sense of mutuality or loving consideration. It is always his way or nothing.

3. She finds that she no longer associates with certain friends, groups, or even family members because of her need to keep him happy. Even though these activities or people are important to her, she finds herself preferring to avoid them in order to "keep the peace."

4. He believes and acts like her opinions, views, feelings, or thoughts have no real value. He may discredit them on principle or specifically because "she is a woman and easily deceived like Eve was." Or, he may give lip-service to respecting her thoughts, but later shoot them down one by one because they "are not logical."

5. He acts charming and sweet at church and is well-liked at work, yet at home the family has to "walk on eggs" to prevent setting him off. People who do not see him at home find it hard to believe that she is really suffering emotional abuse. He reinforces this feeling whenever she points out the differences between home and church by saying something such as , "Oh, quit exaggerating. I'm not like that!"

6. When she displeases him and he does not get his way, he yells, threatens, or sulks in angry silence.

7. She feels confused by his behavior because one day he can be loving, kind, charming, and gentle; the next day he is cruel and full of rage. The switch seems to come without warning.

8. No matter how much she tries to improve, change, or "grow in the Word," in her relationship with him, she still feels confused, inadequate, guilty, and somehow off balance. She never knows what will set him off next, and no matter how much she prays, he never changes. She almost feels she must be "crazy" and she is sure it is her fault.

9. He acts possessive and jealous, even of her time with the children. He may even try to restrict her normal church activities because "a woman's place is in the home." If other people, especially other men, notice her or talk to her, he becomes very angry or jealous.

10. When anything goes wrong in the home or in their relationship, the problem is always her. If she would just be "more submissive" or "more filled with the spirit" or "obey me like a good Christian wife," everything would be fine. He seems blind to any cruelty or misbehavior on his part. He actually sees himself virtuous for "putting up" with a woman like her." pages 20-23

4) "The unique feature of misogynists is that their abusive, nonempathetic grandiosity is directed toward the women in their lives. Misogynists may occasionally exhibit these characteristics toward other people, but the brunt of their disorder is aimed at their wives or girlfriends." page 43
5) "The misogynist is extremely control-oriented; he needs to control and dominate his wife." page 46

6) "He may make sex mechanical (when and where he wants it), refuse to be concerned about her sexual satisfaction, becomes less and less physically affectionate after the wedding, express repulsion or disgust at the idea of romantically touching, or use blame or punishment when her sexual needs differ from his own." page 47

7) "The goal of his emotional and psychological battering is to wear down his wife, to keep her under his control at all costs.

Some of the tools of abuse and control are yelling, bullying, threatening, temper tantrums, name calling, constant criticism, verbal attacks, ridiculing the woman's pain, subtle attempts to confuse her and make her doubt her sanity, forgetting things that happened between them, accusations, blaming, and rewriting history. The misogynist uses all these tactics with the overt aim to "teach you a lesson" or "make you a better person." In Christian homes the justification for abuse becomes even more powerful. Often God or the Bible is used to justify the verbal attack as "correction." "If you were a really good Christian wife you'd . . . ," or "I only do this because God gave me the authority to lead you and be your spiritual head." These become stereotyped defenses. If the wife shows anger, fear, or weakness, she is "rebellious," "untrusting," or "immature in the Lord." If she questions her husband's decisions or opinions, she must be disciplined for her own good." page 53

8) "Codependent women are usually deceived by the occasional "nice" behaviors that their mates exhibit." page 60 - see Dee Graham's Loving to Survive: Sexual Terror, Men's Violence, and Women's Lives (New York University Press, 1994) for a way of explaining women's submissive behavior that does not degrade women by calling us co-dependent. In Loving to Survive, Graham attributes this behavior to "the Societal Stockholm Syndrome," an adaptive behavior that allows women to survive in an hostile environment. She adamantly refuses to acknowledge that such women are codependents. Good book and I agree with her. Although the behavioral responses/ intellectual conclusions that people reach are the same where they are codependents or suffering from the Stockholm Syndrome, women who are suffering from the Societal Stockholm Syndrome can be "reprogrammed" to reject a culture that condones abuse and to reject their abusers.

9) ". . . Elaine was a people pleaser and tried desperately to "correct" her behavior so as to please her spouse. Yet each time she tried, it seemed as if the rules had changed." page 60

10) "Learned helplessness is observed in victims of chronic abuse or trauma; these people feel that they have no ability to make choices or influence their destiny." page 61

11) "A child growing up in the kind of environment Ruth Ellen or Mary did or in other dysfunctional families where codependency develops learns some rules:

1. Your feelings do not matter. Pleasing others and soothing their feelings becomes all-important. Peace is to be maintained at any price.
2. No one is there to protect you. "If Mom can't protect herself from Dad's abuse, she obviously isn't going to take care of me."

3. The only way to handle a man's aggression is to give in to it. "Mom stayed married to Dad for thirty years, and he belittled her and treated her mean, so I guess I have to do it too."

4. The most important thing in life, yet the most painful thing, is to have a man. . .

5. The way to keep people from abandoning you is to try to be perfect, meet all their needs, ignore your own thoughts and feelings, and, above all, never act as if their mistreatment is that bad." page 69

12) "They end up feeling constantly condemned by their spouses, by Scripture and by God. It never occurs to them to question their husbands' interpretation of Scripture or to decide for themselves whether it is being used appropriately. All too aware of their faults, they see these biblical injunctions as proof that they have failed and that if they would just "do it right," everything would be fine.
As we all know, Scripture can and has been used to justify everything from slavery to the Holocaust." page 72

13) "Example: Phillip was separated from his wife for three years, but not divorced, and had an affair with a needy, codependent Christian woman. A Christian himself, he told her that "it was God's will" for them to have sex because "in God's eyes we are already married." She begged him not to do it, but Phillip pressured her and forced himself upon her. Afterward he said he had "no guilt" because "God had created sex and their love was beautiful." "page 74

14) "Many men use this notion of their sanctioned "authority" to commit atrocities against women and children. . . .At a national seminar I attended, one well-known Bible teacher said that even if a woman's husband beat her, she would be better off to "obey God," submit to the beatings, and even die than to leave him to seek relief!" page 75

15) "Even victims of such abuse find it difficult to conceive [that the abuse is real]." page 76

16) "Sexism permeates our evangelical culture. In some churches, it is intrinsic to certain doctrinal positions. The problem is both cultural and religious." page 79-80

17) "Another root problem in the evangelical church is misuse of the biblical ideal of submission." page 81

18) "However, for the woman who has no idea of what a healthy relationship of mutual submission looks like, let me outline a few characteristics:

1. Both partners live in a daily, personal voluntary submission to Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. . .
2. Love is based on a deep, mutual respect as the guiding principle behind all decisions, actions, and plans. . .

3. Both partners are aware of their status as "heirs together" in Christ . . .Both recognize that the purpose of those gifts is to build up, through mutual submission, the body of Christ as well as their own relationship.

4. Natural abilities and talents of each individual. . . are a practical basis for delegating various roles and responsibilities in the home.

5. The emphasis is on a mature relationship between two adults, not on prescribed, arbitrary roles or functions into which each personality is forced to fit. The marriage is seen as a relationship rather than as a career or an organization.

6. Each person maintains their own God-given personal identity and personality. . .

7. The sexual relationship is not only procreative but it is one of joy, fun, fulfillment, and refreshment for both partners.

8. Intimacy and deep emotional closeness replaces game playing and role playing.

9. Honesty and fidelity are the cornerstones of healthy communication patterns, based on a deep, abiding trust in the other person and in Christ.

10. Decision-making is based on a process where both partners have a willingness to come to a mutually satisfying outcome. " pages 83-85

19) "He believes that the best way to keep his woman from leaving him is to cripple her emotionally, to limit her activities, and to keep her guessing psychologically." page 89
20) "He is incapable of seeing her as a separate human being." page 103

21) "This woman lets his personality overwhelm her and gives way to the force of his persona." page 103

22) "Recovery is a life-long process, so I urge you to let go of any perfectionist expectations you may have about accomplishing this in a few weeks." page 111

23) "The misogynist is happy with things as they are; he likes having the balance of power in his favor and sees no need for help." page 115-116

24) "The feelings that normally motivate change - sadness, guilt, remorse, anxiety - are not a significant part of his emotional experience." page 138

25) "Thus, even in a Christian context, the prognosis for repairing a misogynistic marriage is not very good." page 140

26) "The primary thing that the Christian community can do to change the misogynistic system is to break the silence about it." page 159

27) "Often those most vocally opposed to change regarding sexism are women who are afraid of change and of losing their martyr's role in society." page 161

28) "I am aware of two cases in which a misogynist, through charm and manipulation, deceived court-appointed psychologists and/or psychiatrists and persuaded them to grant him custody of the minor children." page 164

"Appendix E : What is Misogyny?

You may photocopy this appendix and Figure 1 for the purpose of sharing information about misogyny with a prospective counselor.

What is misogyny? The word is unfamiliar to most people. It comes for the Greek words misein, meaning to hate, and gune, meaning women. Literally, misogyny means the hatred of women. Misogyny entails a pattern of mental and emotional abuse in marital and male/female relationships. While misogynistic behavior can include physical abuse, it is usually much more subtle. Unlike the usual stereotype of men who hate women, such as wife beaters and rapists, the usual misogynistic male primarily uses emotional and mental weapons against his partner.

The partner of the misogynist is usually very bewildered. What happened to the man with whom she fell in love? After the honeymoon had ended, she realizes that she married not Romeo, but Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

The fact is that women in misogynistic relationships are constantly dealing with a double-minded man. Her partner at times is charming, adoring, affable, and loving; the next moment he is likely to be controlling, mean-spirited, and cruel. The wife is likely to be so confused by the mixed messages of her relationship that she wonders if she is going crazy. She thinks that because he can behave so lovingly at times, that it must be her fault that he is not always that way. Women in these dysfunctional relationships are usually very codependent. When they are scapegoated by their spouses as being the cause of the problems in the relations - they tend to accept the blame.

Christian men who hate women (religious misogynists) are in some ways more dangerous and destructive in their behavior than their non-Christian counterparts. Secular misogynists do not have the powerful, additional arsenal of church doctrines, God-talk, and the sanctioning of male authority, which comes with the idea of Christian marriage. Christian women are often taught in the church or at home that they should "submit" to men "no matter what" because men are the "spiritual head" over women.

What is confusing to the woman is the double-sided nature of the man's behavior. He frequently acts one way at home and then presents a different face to the outside world. When he is at church or work, he is witty, kind, considerate. Often his wife finds that her pastor and friends at church do not believe her confessions of abuse because they never see his misogynistic side. This double-life factor keeps the wife and others off balance. She becomes convinced that if she would "just do what he says" or "try harder" or "be more loving" then he would be consistently kind and caring to her.

I have seen cases where psychologists, psychiatrists, and pastors have been totally fooled by the good-looking facade of these men. Misogynists are usually quite bright and quite capable of doing a snow-job to escape detection by a professional therapist. Even when a misogynist is confronted with evidence of his abusive behavior, he may respond saying, "I know I did that - but it's only because I needed to teach her a lesson. If she would just do as I say, everything would be fine."

Misogynists are unable to empathize with their wives' pain and distress. In fact, the pain of their partner seems to enrage them and feed their hatred. Here are some telltale signs of a misogynistic relationship:

1. The man assumes that it is his "God-given right" to control how his wife lives and behaves. Her needs, thoughts, feelings are not considered.
2. He uses God, the Bible, and church teachings to support his right to "tell her what to do," and demands that she "submit" to his desires, whims, decisions, or plans without question. There is no sense of mutuality or loving consideration. It's always his way, or no way.

3. He believes that a woman's beliefs, opinions, views, feelings, and thoughts are of no real value. He may discredit her opinions in general or specifically because she is a "daughter of Eve and easily deceived." Therefore, her opinions are of little consequence. Or alternatively, he may give lip service to the idea that his wife's opinions count for something, but then discount them one by one because they are not "logical."

4. The woman reports that her husband's behavior at home is strikingly different from his behavior at work or church. At home everyone "walks on eggs" out of fear of displeasing him or setting him off. When the wife points out the difference between his behavior at home and other places, he is likely to respond, "Oh, quit exaggerating! I'm not like that!"

5. The woman reports that when he is displeased and/or does not get his way, he yells and threatens, or sulks in angry silence. Yet the next day he acts as if "nothing" had happened, and is charming and sweet. No one can predict when he is going to switch from nice to nasty.

6. The woman finds that in her relationship with him, no matter how much she may try to improve, change, "grow in the Word," etc., she still feels inadequate, guilty, and somehow off-balance. She never knows what is going to set him off next, and no matter how much she prays, he never changes. She almost feels as if she must be "crazy," and she is sure it is her fault. Even when other relationships at work or school give her positive feedback and encouragement, she loses all her confidence and self-esteem when she returns home. No matter what she does to change and adapt to his demands, it is never enough. His demands always change and become unreasonable.

7. The husband remains blind to any fault or cruelty on his part. When anything goes wrong in the home or in the marital relationship, the problem is always the woman. If she would just be "more submissive" or "be filled with the Spirit" or "obey me like a good Christian wife," everything would be fine. He actually sees himself as virtuous for "putting up" with a woman like her. On the other hand, he can become unreasonably jealous if other people, particularly men, pay too much attention to his wife. Thus, the wife no longer feels free to associate with certain friends, groups, or family members because of her need to keep him happy. Even though these activities or people are important to her, she prefers avoiding them so that she can "keep the peace."

If you see a relationship that has most of these characteristics, you are dealing with a misogynist. If a pastor or counselor, you meet a woman who comes in for counseling and she describes a relationship that sounds like this, there is misogyny involved." pages 185-189
Figure 1: The Rinck Misogyny Continuum

Unconscious Foundation of Misogynistic Behavior: Shame and Fear of Abandonment

This produces a pattern of disrespect and hatred toward women. Misogyny lies on a continuum and is manifested at various levels of intensity, in various types of behaviors and attitudes. To one degree or another, all the types (I through IV) of Christian men who hate women use the Bible, church doctrine, and theological arguments to support their right to control women. He demands "submission" to his viewpoint: He discounts his wife's feelings, opinions, and thoughts. He acts charming one moment, then hostile and cruel the next. He frequently points out his wife's faults. He is unable to perceive his own shortcomings in the relationship.

Type 1 Misogynist (Mild):

No physical abuse of his partner. He uses indirect criticism; denies that he is abusive, protestations of love when confronted with his disrespectful behavior; extremely subtle, may use flattery to keep woman at his side. Uses logic to control situations. Outargues spouse, totally discounts woman's feelings and thoughts. He rarely loses his temper. He always looks as if he is in control, very reasonable. Out of touch with his own feelings.

Type II Misogynist:

Includes Type I behaviors plus more overt verbal tactics such as teasing, bullying, belittling, namecalling, obvious criticism, unfavorable comparison of partner with other woman. Uses nonverbal tactics such as pouting, the "silent treatment," dirty looks to show displeasure. May demand special attention. May be jealous of wife's attention to children or other relatives. May use temper tantrums to get his own way. Increase in intensity and frequency of behaviors over Type I.

Type III Misogynist:

Uses any of Type I and Type II behaviors plus the threat of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. More extreme in controlling social life, religious practices, finances, sexual interactions, and matters of daily living. Increase in intensity and frequency of behaviors over Types I and II.

Type IV Misogynist (Extreme):

Uses of any of Type I through type III behaviors plus physical and/or sexual abuse toward wife and possibly children. Level of intensity of abusive behavior is very high and poses a significant danger to the woman. Abusive style has become a deeply ingrained behavior. More extreme in controlling various areas of family life." page 22

Note: It took me probably 10 years of verbal/emotional abuse by a "true Christian" followed by reading probably 20 books on (feminist) theology to accept that there are committed "Christian" men who truly believe that they are given the moral right by God to "chastise" (read that "punish" ) any woman who comes into their path.

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  1. The information you provided was very helpful. Thank you. Now that I know what I'm dealing with, I can get some help and no longer have to feel like I am going crazy.
    ~Uplifted in Sacramento

    1. I have gone through 40 yrs of struggling from the time I was a child - I would act out - but ive come to realize in my healing that my father was spiritually abusive and my mom took sides with him - they ganged up on me - he turned my mom into a female hater and I was the target - I finally realize I am not crazy - I am called

  2. What do you call the kind of abuse where the man tells the woman she needs to marry him because God put her in front of him? I tell him I don't want a relationship, and he won't take no for an answer. He feels he is entitled to me because of God.

  3. Abuse is abuse...clearly, this guy who is badgering you to marry him is attempting to manipulate you. DON'T LET HIM! If you were to give in to his lies and marry him, your life would quickly become a living hell.
    First of all, he's not hearing from God. You've already told him you don't want a relationship, and you say he "won't take no for an answer? That he feels he's 'entitled' to you because of God?" Listen sis, I'm starting to think this guy is a spiritual psychopath, and has all the ear marks of a potential stalker when you terminate connection with him, which...if I were you, I would do IMMEDIATELY. He could get very nasty if he's that obsessed with you, and could become very dangerous. If he starts stalking and harassing you more, get a protective order, and stick with it. Do not 'feel sorry' or even feel flattered. He may 'want you' but it's him he loves, not you or God.

    Unless you personally hear from God concerning something as important as marriage, don't take the word of someone else.

  4. Strange...you live it thinking it's "normal", but inside you know it's NOT! The challenge is finding the strength to leave without the guilt of another failed relationship.

  5. The devil is a liar, I repent and denounce the above message! "No weapon formed against me shall prosper and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condenm, this is the heritage of the servants of the LORD and their righteousness is of me saith the LORD". Ladies, the enemy is tricky. All things are possible with God Almighty. Trust and believe that he is sovereign over your marriage as he is mine and over ALL MEN! Because all things are possible with God, there is no guilt and nothing strange about God's Holy Ghost Power! I can do all things through Christ! Peace be still! The LORD reigneth and blessed be the name of the Lord!

    1. Dear anonymous, who wrote "The devil is a liar". Are you the same one who wrote, "Strange...you live it thinking it's "normal", but inside you know it's NOT! The challenge is finding the strength to leave without the guilt of another failed relationship."?
      Listen hon, God IS sovereign, but he is not going to over rule your choices, be they according to his will or not. God will also not stop your husband from beating your brains out if you continue to stay in that spiritually abusive so-called marriage. For all intents and purposes, your husband has "departed" spiritually from your marriage.
      It's better to have a "failed relationship", and have peace and a real and vital relationship with God, than it is to stay in a spiritual mess with demons running rampant that your husband let in the door.
      I've been there, done that, seen how it works too many times with too many women.
      At the very least, if this has gone on for years, leave.......and give him place to repent and change before taking him back, or even considering it. Even then, you have NO guarantee...the scriptures plainly tell you that, "oh wife".

  6. Wow!! I've been looking for information like this!! My husband is very jealous of my life. I am a teacher and he has a business at our home. The school I work at is K3-12th grade. I take my children to school everyday and take them home. He is not around people all day. He sleeps with my 14 year old son everynight, He has had NO interest in sex in 4-5 years. He is very fearful of everything! He attends church everytime the doors are opened. He has attended church his entire life, but only the past 4 years become so radical about the man is over the women...and the man can discipline the women when she is out of line! He trys to treat our children (2) like they are infants. He will not let them shut their door unless they are changing their clothes. He walks by their bedroom and says, do you need anything, are you ok.. He is very mean and rude to me!I feel he really hates me, he says God has told him, he will not take 1 of us, he will take both of us, before he will allow us to divorce! I feel he is very jealous of any relationship or attention I receive from our children, or anybody. Anything we have he always makes the comment, I bought this, or I paid this off. He says, my income means nothing and I have never helped our home financially! I do not have any credit cards and do not owe any bills. I am very conserative. Most of my income goes to my childrens needs or groceries. Because I work at the school, (christian school) my children go free, and I have provided our health and dental insurance for the past 8 years.
    He reads his Bible several times a day, and listens to preaching on tv or cd a lot during the day. I tell him he is not interputing the Bible correctly. He has very low self esteem. He does not know how to turn a computer on, must less use it. I have tried teaching him, but he says a computer is Satan!! He was brought up in a home with a very selfish father, and a mother that was a door matt to his father. His father worked at home also, and would drink by himself everynight, we would never see him drink, but he would come home drunk. When he would come home his supper plate was on the table and nothing was expected of him, not even to pick his plate up when he was finished. The family would ignore the fact he was drunk. His mom has made the comment many times, she didn't know why she stayed with him except for her children and she had no education and could not make it on her own. He has had several surgerys and I have blammed a lot of his actions on pain meds. I do not coward down to him. He has never hit me, but I'm sure he would like to. I feel his mom has A LOT to do with our problem. When life was good and I didn't work, she acted like she was happy for us, and I was my best friend. We would take her on vacation with us and she was with us a lot. The more I think about it, I think she is really very jealous because I will never live the way she lived with his dad. I go and do things without him, it gets very lonely, but I am determined I will not live the way his mom lived. He will txt my (16 yr old) daughter on a Saturday night if we go some place and tell her when she has to come home and she will be with me and her grandmother. I do not drink, I do not smoke, I have a very close relationship to Christ. My daughter and I are very close, but he has caused a very bad wedge between my son and I. He tells both of my children, I am a terrible mother. My son does not listen to anything I ask or tell him to do and when I try to discipline him his daddy steps in and says leave him alone. He agrees with my husband and says, women are out of their place unless they are in complete submittion to their husband.

    1. Seek a christian counselor/counselors, either you go alone or with your husband if he agrees to go. But make sure you have a balanced approach: you should talk about your own shortcomings, pointing fingers is not as useful. The counselors will soon see who is more forthright about their own issues, and who is just blaming the other. An abusive spouse always blames his partner. And counselors know that. When your husband shows no remorse/insight, you can still set boundaries for yourself in the marriage. And you can still tell him "the truth in love", about how everything makes you feel. Just as a start....

    2. I understabd what YOUR going through for me its been 24 yea rs sleeping alone, reasons are I nag to much and other personal reasons about my body.
      i do know the church will tell u to stay and try and work it out, The best part i one day god will call us home qnd I prY FOR THAT

    3. I have been in a marriage similar for 7 years. My husband accuses me of sleeping with every neighbor, church male, family member, and coworker. He use to be extremely physically abusive, it has deminished to verbal abuse now. He also is over protective of our children. He comes home, questions my every move, and then greets his children with hugs and kisses, and asks how their day went. Although I underrstand every response, including the one rebuking the devil. Because this is ALL a spiritual battle. I also don't believe that we are called to suffer. And not be able to serve God whole heartedly because of someone elses sin(our husbands). I have been praying and praying a lot. God will speak to your heart if you are patient and still. He will remove you or the husband when it is time. In His way. If it's thru seperation or death. I am certain that we must, in all of this, remain honorable, loving, respectful, and kind. As hard as it may be for many of us. Go will be glorified in our situations as long as we continue to seek Him. It is good, but bad, to know there is many of us struggling with the same battle. It let's us know that this "ain't nothin but satan", but God also calls us at times to "move, in order for Him to move". I pray peace in every home including mine, and when the time comes for us to be "moved", if our spouses refuse to rebuke the enemy controlling them, I pray for blessings.

  7. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ARTICLE WOW I been raped by 2pastors and decon who emotionally abused me i not married yet i am thankful i am getting help after 4yrs i found a very safe Male Pastor in my town whos brought so much healing a TRUE MAN OF GOD i am totally sharing this for others

  8. married 45 years last 24 years he sleeps alone

    he gained 350 pounds and is sick , if I do not bring him every pill he needs he doesnt take it,I cant go or do anything for this reason.church says to stay and support him.I believe those men with no hugs no kisses and no love the church would let him divorce.he is sick because he refuses to loose weight. I am a lonely prisioner -if not for my faith death would be a better escape,i hate men and control

    1. God gives us freedom of choice, which your husband is clearly exercising. However, the Lord says to "turn away from sin". Over eating, laziness is a sin. If you don't believe me look it up, it's in the bible. You are suffering for his sin, that's also in the bible. But you might want to take your situation and look at it from the outside as I am. Your husband is sick, not sure if he did this intentionally to keep you, I dought it. Take this time, as hard as I know it is, to nurture and love. Pray over him when he sleeps, read the bible to him. This is an opputunity for you to be so filled with wisdom. Read my reply above. The enemy is controlling our spouses. We have to pray during these difficult times for our spouses and our selves. My heart breaks for you, and I pray for reliefe quickly, in the name of Jesus.

  9. I was in a very abusive relationship for almost 20 years. My ex-husband had "cult" training in a quasi-Christian church and was sure to use it on me and our children whenever he could. He was so "loved" in the church we were in that the women there often accused me of not treating him well (because I worked outside the home as a teacher and they all stayed home). My ex-husband accused me of having sex with other women in the neighborhood, male teachers in my school, women of other churches whom I confided in, etc. He told me, often, that I was evil like Eve, and that I was not spiritual enough. I was accused of being too emotional, too needy, and too controlling whenever I expressed any needs for me or the family. He raped me repeatedly and two of our children were products of those rapes. He made sure that my 24 year friendship with my best friend (ironically the person who introduced us to one another) ended before she moved far away. He called me stupid, fat, ugly, whore, and other filthy names. Dinner was never good enough (as he criticized every meal I made for the family)--even my children noticed and mentioned it to him. At that point he stopped eating with the family and ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner at work. My parents and I had to buy all the food for the kids, clothing, medical necessities, schooling, etc because he would refuse to pay for any of it. He would say that I needed to not have money because women having money was evil. I had to get permission from him to buy tampons, and pads because he did not deem them necessary. He accused me of faking pneumonia (even though my temperature had risen dangerously and my parents had to take me to the emergenty room). He often said the kids were faking their illnesses-- I had one child vomiting blood and my parents threatened to call the police if he didn't let us go to the doctor. I had another child walking around with a broken arm for a week because he said she was faking her injury. Then without any warning he would bring me flowers, or tell the family he was taking us on vacation. I could write a book about the cruel behaviors--physical and mental that I put up with and how NOT ONE PERSON in the church believed me because my ex-husband was so perfect when he was in front of the "right people". Only those he deemed "unimportant" saw his true colors and years later when I divorced him, they emailed me and started to point out all the cruel things they saw him do to me. What was the last straw? When he moved us out of state so that I could no longer have my parents or other people that I knew near me. Even after I moved out with the children, he continued to call and harass me "When you're done playing house in your little place, you can come home where you belong." "You're too immature to live on your own." "You're just trying to be alone so you can have sex because you're a whore." The comments were left on my phone, in emails, etc. He even called the school where I worked and told lies about me. I am glad they did not believe him. I found a church where they did not know him but they knew me from my example and from how I behaved with my children, at the school I taught, in the community, etc. He tried to ruin my reputation by befriending gossiping women (moms of kids) in the school I worked at and spreading lies about me. Some women believed him and they continue to spew venom about me even though years later, they should know what I am like. I am now remarried and have 2 children (twins). This Godly man is father to all of the children and a wonderful example of Christ to all of them. They love him, respect him, and know what a true man should be like, and how he should love their mother--like Christ loves the church.

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    1. Leave for heavens sake. You don't live in a marriage, but a torture chamber. Seek Jesus with all your heart and things will change.

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  34. Yes, let's just keep spreading the hate of all men, even hate the men that are good and do love women... Make sure ALL women hate and fear ALL men to the point that even a good "Christian" man has no hope of winning her over... Hate men, and fear men because all men are evil, and all men should die... blah, blah, blah... Well, I must be one of the 1% of good "Christian" men that love women and to be totally honest, I'm sick and tired of this kind of man hating, even in Christian churches. I do love and adore women!!!! This comment comes from one of the good guys. So, please, "Christian women," read the rest of my comment and see if The Holy Spirit will speak to your heart through my words. If I were to throw myself in front of a bus to save a woman's life, the NEWS would only want to cover her heroic story about how she narrowly escaped death. If they even mention me at all, they probably wouldn't even publish my name. When the ambulance arrives, the paramedics will examine her first, and treat the scratch she got when she fell as I pushed her out of the path of the bus. The whole time my lungs are struggling to breathe under the pain of a crushed ribcage, and my blood is spilling out into the street. She won't even send flowers to my funeral, or a sympathy card to my family, much less attend my funeral. After all, she didn't even know me. I was just a strange man that saved her lave. She will be too emotionally upset by her own near-death experience to honor me by attending my funeral. She will never visit my grave. After all, she has a life to live. 10 years later, people will still talk about how a woman almost got hit by a bus, and won't even remember I got run over in her place... including the people in the bus that felt my body under the tires, as I was used as a human speed bump. In fact, they probably won't even lose any sleep over it, not even on the night it happened. After all, it's not their fault. They weren't driving the bus. The weight of their bodies just went over me as I was crushed underneath them, that's all. Likewise, if I were to rush and save women from a burning building, by unlocking the only fire exit, which someone had chained and locked, from the outside, the very same women I save would all trample me to death, and none of them would feel the least bit sorry about it, in spite of the fact that they all knew what they were doing, even as it happened, because they could all feel me under their feet as they did it to me. As time passes, one of the women I saved will probably go on to violate several of the 15-year-old male students she teaches in her class, and she will get off with no more than 4 hours of community service. I feel so sorry for her picking up trash on the side of the road one Saturday morning. She'll probably cry about how hot it is, and they will feel sorry for her, and let her go home after only 3 hours of community service. No, let's don't dare value people for their good or heroic actions or hold women responsible for their evil ones. In retrospect, she was neither punished or shamed for trampling me to death, but rewarded. And she got nothing but a slap on the hand for violating 15-year-old boys. Those boys she hurt, they'll get over it. It's not that bad. And as for that man she trampled to death, well, she was trying to save her own life. Who can blame her for taking another life to save her own. Oh, I mean, Jesus would never do that, but I'm sure he can excuse a woman for doing that. Besides, the person she trampled to death was a man, and we all know that women are more valuable than men.

    1. Well, poor you, so alone in your angst and suffering, Poor you, who alone is the only one who loves and supports women. Listen.....all the while your claiming how much you love and support women, out of the other side of your mouth is spueing bitterness and hatred.

  35. I'm sorry if my comments on October 17, 2014 seem a bit "extreme," and I just wanted to say that I do not mean to take away from anyone who has suffered true abuse. However, there are no books of blogs about "Christian Women Who Hate Men." I am quite sick and tired of the Feminist double standard. Also, the domestic violence statistics you always hear or read about are completely false. In reality, women are as likely to be abusive and violent towards men, if not more so, and are more likely to use weapons, and more likely to cause permanent damage, mutilation or even death. Women are also more likely to instigate violence towards men than men are towards women, and more frequently. They are NOT driven to these actions, but are acting out of their own evil. Statistically, women are also more likely to hurt children, and they are NOT driven to that either. The bible is frequently misinterpreted by both sexes to hold the other down. This is NOT exclusive to men holding women down. One of the best scriptures I can recall, that I believe is misinterpreted, is the reference to women gossiping, and that they should wash the men's feet, if they are to advance in the Church. (Sorry I am paraphrasing.) Why? Is this holding women down? "No!" Why? Because all that it is saying is that women should seek the same as what men should seek, and that is to be more like Jesus. Jesus washed the feet of the disciples. The passage is saying, become more like Jesus, regardless of what the men are doing, even if the men are doing the wrong thing or abusing their authority. Furthermore, how many women want the responsibility, really? As Stan Lee once said, in Spiderman, "With great power comes great responsibility." Be careful what you wish for. Men mess things up too, and being in authority means you are responsible for things when they go wrong. Husbands are to love their wives enough to die for them. Women are NOT even required to love their husbands even that much in return. Don't be so eager to have a man's position in the church, on the job, or in the home. All most good, Christian men want in return is respect, and a little love. What I was attempting to point out in my last comment is that the respect for men is gone these days, even when the respect is earned. If men are supposed to look past age and breast size, women should stop looking for aggressive cavemen for husbands. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but someone has to speak the truth.

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  37. That is evil. Repent and follow the Lord Jesus Christ.

    At Judgement Day, will people expect their judgement or be surprised? Jesus said that what they have done to the least, they did to Him. If your husband or wife is treating you in a way that God and Jesus calls a sin while you, for the sake of being a good Christian, is putting up with it in a Godly way, then they have done this to Jesus and you and your spouse would be in opposite groups at Judgement Day. Your spouse that abused you and never repented for your short term on Earth would go to the everlasting punishment.
    Matthew 31-46

    Misogynists, misandrists, misopedists, racists, and misanthropists are in danger. How can one inherit the kingdom if s/he hates a fellow heir?? There's plenty of fuel for these people. PLENTY!! We'll need to pray for the haters and help provide more services for them, letting them know that their views are flawed and they can get help. Stop the fuelers, call them out, and reason with them. Tell them that it is an abomination unto God to sow discord among brethren (you know, popularly like how people are quick to say homo intercourse of two men are an abomination).
    Proverbs 6:16-19

    LET me tell you what Jesus said:
    "But he who is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."
    Matthew 23:11-12

    If Jesus is the leader of the Church and served them / was a servant to them(ministered to them, wash their feet, died for them, and more), then surely men who believe they should be the leaders of their wife should served them! Whomever is the one humbling him/herself more and is doing the serving more are actually proving to be greater in God's eyes! How can a husband be a spiritual leader to his wife if she is greater than him by serving and humbling herself more?? It seems there is a deceiver that is hiding the truth. Paul told us all to submit to one another, which fits in with Jesus' teaching.
    Ephesians 5:17-21